My child is overweight: When is it okay to talk to my child about it?

It can be difficult to watch your child struggling with weight issues. As a parent, you want the best for your child. You want to do everything that you can to help your child succeed – and encouraging them to make healthier choices is no different. As a licensed clinical psychologist, I work with many patients and families at the Feeding and Eating Disorder Clinic at Children’s Hospital New Orleans. One of the questions parents often ask me is: “My child is overweight. Should I even talk to them about it?”

In today's culture, weight can be a sensitive topic, especially for children and teenagers. While parents may mean well, these conversations can backfire because their child may begin to feel self-conscious, anxious, or ashamed of their body. Children struggling with their weight often experience bias, stigma, and bullying. These negative feelings and experiences can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food, contributing to the development of an eating disorder. Eating disorders in children, such as anorexia and bulimia, have dramatically increased in recent years. An unhealthy fixation on weight and body image, and trying to achieve what society labels as “perfect” is a risk factor for developing an eating disorder.

If your child is overweight, talking to them about losing weight is generally unnecessary. However, there may be times when it’s necessary to talk to them about their weight, which I will explain later. The most powerful thing you, as parents, can do to encourage healthy behaviors is to model these behaviors.

Lead by example

We’ve all heard the old adage, “Action speaks louder than words.” That statement holds a lot of truth.

Behavior is more powerful than words. In order for children to make better choices, it’s important to set a positive example for them to follow. If children see their parents living a healthy life, not focused on weight and appearance, but engaged in active hobbies and enjoying a variety of foods, they are much more likely to do the same. On the other hand, if a parent is focused on weight loss and body image, and constantly talks poorly about themselves or other people, their children are more likely to follow suit.

Healthy eating and physical activity behaviors do not happen quickly. It takes a lot of time, effort, and determination to turn these small changes into regular, everyday habits. Changes are more successful when they are made incrementally and involve the entire family. So, instead of focusing on your child’s weight, it is important for you to help your child understand the positive benefits of healthy eating and active behaviors. Studies show that when you are active and eat healthy, you have more energy, your brain works better, you sleep better, and you just feel good all around, both physically and mentally.

Here are some ways to instill healthy behaviors in children in a more positive and supportive way:

• Support a healthy relationship with food. Try to introduce a variety of food into your family’s meals. Make cooking and eating fun and interesting through trying new recipes or restaurants based on interest and curiosity instead of judging foods as “healthy” or “unhealthy.” Encourage your child to try new foods and experiment with different flavors. Avoid labeling foods as “healthy,” “clean,” or “diet.”
   
• Approach food from a neutral standpoint. Parents who restrict certain foods set their kids up for negative food behaviors. Kids are more likely to overeat when exposed to restricted foods which can trigger feelings of guilt and shame. Instead of labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” encourage a variety of foods based on energy needs and your child’s interests and curiosity.
   
• Engage in physical activity. Physical activities can be more interesting to your child if you do it together as a family. Set aside some quality time where you and your kids can go on a walk, jog, ride your bike, swim, and engage in fun active behaviors. Moving your body and getting your steps in goes a long way to helping you and your child stay physically fit and healthy. Before you know it, this will become more of a regular activity that is focused on family togetherness and fun instead of achieving an imaginary “ideal” body type.
   
• Avoid negative talk about weight/appearance. Compliment your children on their character, their abilities, and the innate traits that make them special and unique. Stress the importance of appreciating their bodies for what they can do, not what they look like. Weight is a very complex topic impacted by one’s genetics and many other factors, some of which are beyond our control. It’s important to build your child’s self-esteem and let them know you are there to support them. If you hear someone make a comment about weight to or near your child, protect your child by letting them know you do not talk about or judge people based on their body shape and size.

When is it necessary to talk to children about their weight?

While leading by example is important in making positive healthy lifestyle changes for your entire family, there may be times when you need to talk to your child about his or her weight, especially if you notice concerning or sudden changes in your child’s eating habits. These discussions should take place only in extreme situations and after you have already consulted with a medical or mental health professional.

Parents should contact their child’s physician if they notice any of these signs of disordered eating:

• Obsessive thoughts about food, eating, or weight
• Engaging in frequent dieting and limiting certain types of foods
• Feelings of guilt and anxiety associated with specific foods or meal skipping
• Talking negatively about their body or other people’s bodies
• Experiencing rapid and unexpected weight loss
• Following rigid rituals and routines around food and exercise (i.e. excessive workouts)
• Eating in secret (i.e. hiding food in their room)

Eating disorders thrive in secret and shame, and parents should not be afraid to intervene early. When talking to your child about their weight, it is important to make sure these conversations are positive and supportive. If you need professional help, our Eating Disorder Clinic at Children’s Hospital New Orleans can provide you with further guidance and support that your child may need and benefit from.

For more information about the Feeding and Eating Disorder Clinic at Children’s Hospital New Orleans, visits our website: Eating Disorder Clinic | Children's Hospital New Orleans (chnola.org)