Alternatives to yelling: Nurturing healthy communication with children

In a recent study published in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect, researchers from Wingate University in North Carolina and University College London unveiled some eye-opening findings. Delving into 166 earlier studies, they explored the impact of yelling at children. The study found that parents, teachers, coaches and other adults who resort to shouting or verbally threatening kids might unknowingly be causing consequences as severe as those resulting from physical or sexual abuse.  

Childhood verbal abuse can take a negative toll on children, leading to not just mental distress but also manifesting in external symptoms and contributing to physical health problems. This research serves as a constant reminder that the way we communicate with children can have profound and lasting effects. 

In light of these findings, and in my role as a parent educator at The Parenting Center at Children’s Hospital New Orleans, it is imperative for parents and caregivers to explore alternative approaches to yelling that not only foster healthy child development but also facilitates effective communication.  

Why yelling doesn’t work 

If you have ever yelled at your child out of anger or frustration, you are not alone. And this does NOT make you a bad parent. However, it is not an effective discipline strategy for several reasons. First, you are training your children NOT to listen until you are shouting. Often times, yelling - especially if it is back and forth between you and your child - rarely leads to a resolution and, in many cases, may escalate the situation. Yelling gives the impression that you have lost control. Remember, children who watch their parents effectively manage their emotions will be better prepared to regulate their own emotions.  

Do you really want your kids to obey out of fear? That is the only thing that yelling accomplishes, and it only works as a short-term solution. Screaming or yelling at children will not help them listen or learn a particular lesson because they are more focused on your anger. Furthermore, yelling can escalate conflicts, create fear, and damage the parent-child relationship. So, what can you do differently? 

Effective communication 

Effective communication with children is key to resolving conflicts and building strong relationships. Here are some helpful alternatives to yelling that can help foster productive communication with your child. 

1. Take a problem-solving approach 

• Identify when and where the issue occurs. Look for patterns and triggers. For instance, do you find yourself yelling in the mornings as you try to get everyone out the door on time? If so, think about things you can do the night before to make mornings easier (have clothes out, make sure school bags are packed and near the door, etc.) 

• Create a chore chart or daily to-do list to establish routine and expectations. This offers a proactive approach for your child to incorporate into their daily routine, reducing the need for persistent nagging to ensure tasks are completed.   

• Try changing the environment if it contributes to the problem. For example, pause the TV instead of trying to get your child’s attention while they are watching something. 
   

2. Ask yourself important questions 

• Do I have realistic expectations of my child’s behavior? Although you may feel like you have been very clear about your expectations, your children may still need reminders. This is how they learn - even if it seems like you are repeating yourself! As parents, we need to be flexible and re-evaluate our expectations when something isn’t working.  

• Am I overreacting to the situation? There are times when it is really important for kids to listen and parents need to remain firm. (Think safety!) Other times, it is less important and parents can relax a little. If you’re the type of parent that thinks everything is a big deal, ask yourself a few questions next time before you react. Is this really important? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Sometimes, stepping back for a few minutes and assessing the situation calmly can make a significant difference. 
   

3. Other ways to get your child’s attention 

Instead of resorting to shouting, consider these alternative methods to get your child’s attention: 

• Be silly, sing a song, or play a game to make the interaction more engaging. 

• Use proximity and maintain eye contact to ensure your child is focused on you. 

• Deliver short and specific messages, making it easier for your child to understand and respond. 

Staying calm amidst conflict 
Staying calm as a parent or caregiver is crucial because it serves as a powerful model for children, teaching them how to manage their own emotions and respond to challenging situations. This emotional composure enables caregivers to engage in more effective communication with children, as it allows for active listening, empathetic responses, and open dialogue. Furthermore, maintaining a calm demeanor creates a sense of trust and safety for children, encouraging them to confide in their caregivers and seek guidance. Lastly, it facilitates problem solving and positive conflict resolution, contributing to a nurturing environment that supports healthy child development and strengthens the caregiver-child relationship. 
 
Here are some strategies to help you stay composed: 

• Set limits and restate expectations: Establish limits and expectations for your child’s behavior before conflicts arise. Regularly remind your child of these expectations. 

• Recognize warning signs and step back: Pay attention to warning signs that indicate a situation is escalating. When you notice these signs, step back and give both you and your child space to cool down. 

• Take a breather: Before responding to a challenging situation, give yourself a moment. Take deep breaths, count to 10, have a sip of water or repeat a personal mantra to regain your composure 

• Acknowledge other stressors: Understand that children, like adults, can have stressful days. Consider any external stressors affecting your child’s behavior. 

• Practice self-care: Caring for yourself is essential to be the best caregiver for your child. Make time for self-care to reduce stress and maintain emotional balance. 

• Apologize: If you do lose your temper and yell, don’t hesitate to apologize to your child. Model healthy communication by admitting your mistakes and expressing regret. 

By embracing these alternatives to yelling, parents, teachers, coaches and other caregivers can create an environment that promotes positive communication and supports children’s emotional well-being. 

For more information about The Parenting Center at Children’s Hospital New Orleans, visit our website: 
The Parenting Center | Children's Hospital New Orleans (chnola.org)